Would 2018 just hurry up and end already? Actually, it is not the calendar that is vexing me so much as the events of this year that have left me feeling battle scarred with pain, anguish, anger, rage. Generally speaking, in state of slow-burning negative headspace with no chemical or process to properly douse it. The stress of trying to escape the emotional landscape I have created and carry on with my day-to-day business of living is taking a heavy toll.
For others, I listen and offer sympathy and suggestions. For me, I try to pursue my own suggestions – exercise, adequates sleep, eat healthy food, associate with good people, hobbies that I enjoy, and counseling if I need more talk time and professional help. All these things do help to a degree. But I am impatient, and the one component I cannot control is time. The days pass in their 24 hour allotments and will not speed up when I am in a funk or slow down when I want to savor the better parts of life and living. I feel like a slave to the clock and as if I am wishing the sands in my hourglass would fall faster.
My days pass in their usual ways, with work, interactions with M, with clients, with friends. It is like being on autopilot and doing what I do throughout the days. But the routines are so infused with the spirits of those I love who have left this realm, and I feel powerless to shut off the memories of them. Fresh loss revives the feelings associated with those I loved and lost before, as if I am seeking relief in how I coped before.
I wish grief were not so hard to bear. The sads can be exhausting.